A Male’s Musings on #MeToo
By Wes Brooks, 4/22/19
When I was a child, I assumed that everyone had a basic respect for women. Today, I’ve grown increasingly shocked at the alarming quantity of men that treat women poorly. I’ve listened to the stories of female friends and acquaintances. I’ve seen the tears and have felt a fraction of their pain. I’ve seen how sexual abuse ravages a life. I’m sickened and perplexed—but not without hope.
In recent times, many women have been vocal about their experiences through the #MeToo social media movement. It’s spurred new awareness around an age-old issue. The Title IX window stickers in restrooms at Illinois Central College, encouraging students to report sexual assault, are a daily reminder that we live in a sick world desperate for healing. The horrific and heinously common reality of what many women face has led me to believe that this is more than a problem—it’s a crisis. This crisis concerns what it is to be a man, a woman and far more. This profoundly concerns the wellbeing of our children and every category of health and human flourishing.
Sexual abuse can happen to anyone, but the focus of this writing is about male sexuality, identity and how men affect women. Bad behavior by men isn’t just sexual—it’s anti-sexual.
The solution is not for women to stay away from men. The solution is for men to prove to women, through their behavior, that they can be a joyous and fruitful part of their lives.
I imagine that most young girls grow up believing in a sort of “Prince Charming” they’ll have someday. By the time some women are barely out of high school, they probably begin to wonder if the man they desire actually exists. Abusers have discouraged women from trusting men as much as they wish they could. Why should women trust men after being manipulated, toyed with and rejected again and again? Why should women trust men when it seems like they only want something from them? Something ineffably precious that droves of men have treated like last Tuesday’s garbage… How does this make sense? I suspect many of these women wonder, “Can it only be that men are piggish? Who can I trust?”
Women suffer when men behave poorly. We need more men to rise up and actively encourage their fellow males to better themselves and become what a man should be and is meant to be. Although the perfect man doesn’t exist, great men do. They are actively working to improve the shape of the world while providing for those they love. I’ve seen my father and others respect women and cherish their life companion. Therein lies our hope.
Regardless of physical violation, there are destructive attitudes and mindsets that a lot of women have endured from men. Boisterous catcalls, unsavory interactions, gratuitous displays of power and control, dismissiveness, irresponsibility, etcetera. All of these can reinforce a woman’s dissatisfaction with, and mistrust of, the gender they’re otherwise attracted to.
Many women are plagued by fear and dejection. Many women feel unsafe. Our young women are growing up in an era where men of power and status are being exposed for their misdeeds. Anxiety is in the air. If bad decisions brought us here, our good decisions can bring us out of it.
Male privilege is real. Toxic masculinity is real. But these are not indictments on masculinity or on manhood themselves, but on the sins of men—men who can choose to change and become great men worthy of respect and appreciation. Some men are more interested in sexual conquests than they are in nourishing their partner’s soul. “Boys will be boys” and “there’s only one thing that a guy wants from a girl” are appalling and hurtful maxims. If there’s any truth to them, they must be eroded through our positive conduct, one day and one generation at a time.
If misguided men do not become great men, the quality of our species will continue to erode. Our children will distrust their fathers or men in general. Heterosexuality may become unattractive. Every man must prove that they’re worthy of a woman’s trust, dedication, affection, and partnership. Men should respect women because women are human beings. Women are complex and no more or less befuddling than men are. To be human is to have strengths and weaknesses, full of beautiful and ugly idiosyncrasies, needs and challenges. Life asks us to protect and provide love in the face of evil. We won’t fulfill this unless we mend our wounds and do it together.
So much sexual misconduct involves the irresponsible consumption of drugs and alcohol. Lives have been damaged because of their influence. Many young people are drawn to the party scene because they want to have a good time, yet many of those young people end up leaving those parties with scars that can haunt for the rest of life. We must reject mind-altering substances. A clear mind and a clear conscience enable us to authentically enjoy and care for each other.
A lot of media has done harm to our mindsets about relationships and sexuality, reducing the sacred into the trivial and petty. Pornography has largely encouraged the objectification of women and the deterioration of sensitivity. We must guard our minds intellectually as well as physically.
Misguided men are missing out on the joy and healing they’d receive if they behaved with compassion and encouraged healthy companionship and positive mindsets. These men struggle with a lack of empathy, integrity, self-control, knowledge, and courage—qualities that ought to be pursued and cherished. But it seems that a lot of troubled men don’t completely care about others’ needs and they don’t truly understand their own or what to do with them. Basic human decency should be, and feel, natural and obvious. Yet, for many, it isn’t. Why?
I’m a firm believer in the adage, “hurt people hurt people.” Anyone who would abuse another is a deeply troubled person. We might ask, “How can anyone with such a troubled heart wish to change?”
Anything is possible when a person receives spiritual clarity and truly desires and determines to change who they are for the better.
Everyone must realize and love this spiritual truth: The countless joys of living a righteous, compassionate life are infinitely more satisfying than any fickle, deceptive, and nearsighted gratification that evil can offer.
We must cultivate the kind of peace that makes the sorrow of life worthwhile. The kind of peace that produces contentment and patience amidst disquietude and desire. This is part of what it means to be a successful human—and a successful man.
Abusers inflict pain onto others, but we must empathize with each other and help carry each other’s burdens. When we do this, we’ll find healing, restoration and begin to know just how wonderful life can be!
There is grace, forgiveness and healing available to everyone who acknowledges their faults, humbly owns them, sincerely and forthrightly apologizes for them, and actively works to better themselves and others.
Many women have shown remarkable resilience and bravery in the face of abuse and mistreatment. They deserve total healing and peace. Through our kindness and attentiveness, we can play a role in helping to bring about healing.
Dear women: Don’t compromise your wellbeing because you seek companionship. Don’t associate with men who don’t seem to respect life or understand you. Never apologize for having higher standards than those around you. The greatest gifts in life are earned through patience and faith. Nonetheless, there are many of you who have been cautious yet have still faced mistreatment.
Dear men: Unless we cherish consent, we’ll never deserve sexual fulfillment nor should hope to. Unless we strive for mutuality, we’ll never fulfill our sexuality nor should hope to. Unless we think and reflect, we will never understand how we feel or how to improve life. Unless we empathize, we will never know compassion or humanity. Unless we foster a humble heart, our hearts will never be healed. Unless we understand sacrifice, we should never pretend to know love.
Those are pretty words unless we live by them. When we do, we’ll realize they’re who we’re made to be.
Do we want to be remembered as men who lacked the right emotions and were motived by the negative ones? Or do we want to be remembered as men who truly cherished the gift of a woman, and in so doing, truly cherished ourselves and the world? The choice is in our hands.